The Butterflywake 3

Chapter 3:  Alice of wonder!

Alice woke at 6 a.m., she felt heavy hearted, and did not want to face this day, where she would have to bear witness to the separation of two lost souls, as they needed to say goodbye to each other for a short while. Why so melodramatic?

Well, after playing devil’s advocate for these two wonderful people for the past six years, and suddenly needing to make a decision that was difficult to decide but necessary to prevent their lives from falling deeper into the realms of destruction; this was going to be an emotional day for the three of them.

Alice was the social worker who had been allocated to work on Sophia and Monica case. And before I continue, anything that Alice says about them has been permitted, as they know that she is telling their story. In fact, this was a request.

They chose to tell their tale in the hope that others may gain an insight into the nightmare, the monster, namely addiction. Perhaps, they were both seeking absolution and by telling they story, she hoped this will give them the solace they needed.

Let’s commence from the start, today began as any ordinary day but ended up becoming something quite spectacular.

Something unforeseen and something that Alice did not imagine would occur today. She thought, and believed, that in time this event would transpire, but not today.

Her day began with her standard trip into the office to collect her file on Sophia and Monica, having checked her emails and other messages she attended a meeting to discuss the progress of this little family. And then she set off for her monthly home visit to ‘check-in’ on them, to ensure they were both managing.

Over the past six years, Alice had become very fond of both of them, and sometimes she would needed to challenge her professional boundaries. But she found that distancing herself from a child with such desperate desire for affection was a difficult and cruel task to undertake.

She struggled when she was unable to validate Sophia’s worth. To appreciate her as a worthy human being who has the right to be acknowledged as anyone else. Who has the right to be told that she is so amazing and bright.

This has been the most challenging case Alice had ever worked in her fifteen years as a social worker, and she wonder if at times she saw herself in little Sophia. More importantly, this has been the most rewarding case she had worked on too. And, unbeknown to her, on this Monday morning things were about to turn around in a most astonishing way.

The meeting went on longer than Alice thought it would, and she was concerned by the suggestions that were been ‘bounced around’ by her fellow colleagues, suggestions that it may be time for action and results. And this normally meant that the child, who case was been discussed, would be taken into care.

Alice felt nervous and fearful. However, she knew that if things had not improved by this set date, then the outcome would not be pleasing for this little family.

Yet hearing the official outcome, she was taken by surprised but knew that she needed to remain calm and focussed, desperately trying to suppress any personal feelings as they arose. And the lump in her throat caused her to feel as if she was choking.

Her mind was racing.

“Perhaps I have become too involved”, she thought, as she left the meeting room.

“Was this outcome all my fault?

Perhaps if I was not trying so hard to help this little family survive, I may have seen that the situation had become ominous”, she reflected, grasping at straws to try and understand what had indeed gone wrong and who was to blame.

“Maybe this should be my last case”, she wondered.

For a while now, she had thought that perhaps she needed to develop further in her career, or do something completely different.

“I have been working too hard lately, and procedures and protocols are changing, along with the cuts to social services and the workloads are unrealistically high.”

“Changes to the way in which we work go against my ethically beliefs, and I feel powerless at time.”

These were some of the many thoughts that had plagued her for some time now.

Thoughts and questions were swimming around inside her head, as she headed for the office door and towards her parked car, to head off to be the bearer of very bad news.

This part of Alice’s job was most painful. Not matter how necessary this outcome may be, it still is unpleasant watching a family being torn apart because they are unable to function ‘normally’ and have been caught in a dysfunctional, unmanageable regime for far too long.

As she drove towards Monica’s flat in Islington, Alice recalled the memories she held.

The hours she had spent listening to reason, and empty promises, from Monica, while having to encourage hope and potential for Sophia. Monica explaining in desperation, how she was trying so hard, but could not dig herself out of her depression. How she could only function or face the day if she had a drink or/and a substance inside her blood to numb the pain.

Alice believed that Monica hated herself for the way she treated her daughter and thought that Monica was fully aware of the damage she was causing her. How this would affect her daughter for the rest of her life, just as her mother’s behaviour had affected her as a child, and still did.

Alice witnessed how Monica’s guilt made matters worse, and she tried to destroy herself even further for her part in the unhappiness that she caused her daughter. Monica said that she knew too well how it felt to hear and see your mother in a drunken state surrounded by men.

As Alice listened to these words from Monica, she thought that she was just saying what she wanted Alice to hear at times. She felt that Monica dismissed her true feelings and would just use substances to block out the pain. It was as if she was able to express these feelings, but at the same time she was so detached from any emotion that in all honestly these were just words.

Empty words. And Monica knew that too!

Alice could see how Monica’s childhood had affected her so severely, and the damage she carried from her early years. And having this understanding made it difficult to place any blame on Monica. Alice recognised how Monica had not had an opportunity to work through this trauma, or the chance to heal herself from her history, a past so full of haunting memories, memoirs of a stolen childhood.

However, every time she mentioned counselling, Monica froze and withdrew. Monica feared all professionals from the mental health service, and would sternly insist that she did not need, nor want, to talk to anyone about her past.

Alice understood how frightening the prospects of telling a stranger your deepest, darkest, hidden secrets were, and how intimidating confessing to the past that can be. Alice had been in those shoes when she first faced her counsellor years ago.

Even though Alice was truly wanted Monica to seek help, she believed firmly that everyone should choose what they feel they need for themselves. That is why this journey to ‘upset the apple cart’ had distressed Alice.

Once again, little Sophia needed to do what someone in authority decided would be the best for her. Alice would have preferred that the decision to seek help had come from Monica and not from her department. Moreover, she worried about Sophia going back into care.

Alice had been a spectator of both sides of the coin.

She was well acquainted with the two faces that consisted of Monica’s addiction. She had seen the impact this illness had had on Monica, when it brought her down to her knees, and when she was consumed by torment, as it devoured her very soul.

Alice bore witness to Monica’s self-destruction, her self-hate, her suicide attempts, and her persistent announcements that she would be better off dead.

Alice had arrived on certain days to find her incoherent and in a semi-conscious state, cursing the very essence of her being, denouncing every part of her soul as evil and worthless. On these days, Alice would sit with her and listen to her rant and rave at the injustice that she had had to endure as a child, listen as she allowed years of pent up anger and pain to roll out until she was exhausted and would fall asleep.

Alice would think that these episodes would have been more beneficial to Monica if she could remember all these words of inner suffering, which she had just set free.

If, at the time, she had been sober, and could narrate her internal torment to a professional. Who could not only bear witness and validate her being, but help her to release her enormous amount of suppressed pain. Where she could release all the pain, suffering and regret. Where she could reach a place of solace, or inner calm. Where she may eventually heal her weary heart and soul.

However, when a drunken rant was her only was of communicating how she felt, Alice felt that this inappropriate method seemed to cause more damage than cure. Plus, if Alice mentioned anything about the last drunken session the following time they met, then Monica would be so full of shame that she would dismiss anything said and close down.

No, Monica needed to find her courage to address her painful past in a sober and coherent way, so she could grieve the loss of her inner child to an abusive mother. Where she could become resilient and take back her power, and let go of the relationship she needed had but sought out as a child, so lonely and loveless.

Alice then thought of Sophia, and how she would react to the news that she would be separated from her mother once again. Sophia would blame herself again, and wonder why she was being punished. That is how she felt the last time she was taken away from her mother, and her home.

Alice remembered that day as if it was yesterday; she never forgot that dreadful day and believed it would haunt her for the rest of her time. Telling a young child that they need to stay with another family for a while as their mommy or daddy was unable to care for them at the moment – not matter how you dress that up it always comes out the same.

Sophia worked so hard to stay at home and in her little room, to remain in her school where she had a friend, and more importantly to see her mother everyday. She helped around the house, more than any other child of her age should be expected to do. When she came home and her mother was either out or ‘out-of-it’, she was then responsible for doing the washing, shopping and cooking for herself.

Just to prove to those in ‘charge’ of her life that she and her mother were fully-functioning and able to care for each other, and that no-one need go away.

She was a good girl, so why was she being punished? Alice knew how that felt; she had walked in Sophia’s shoes.

Can you hear me?
See me, touch me
Inside glass menagerie
Exhibitionist lifestyle
Grotesquely overrated
Hidden from view
My disobedience
Repressed aggression 
Silenced and controlled
Therapy session
In the dark 
Weekly watchfulness
Rain on window
My distraction
Starting outside, misty
Coldest morning
New dawn, becoming
Ice queen falling
Razor sharp word that scorn
Tiny voices inside my head
Wishing I was never born
Disappointment, I so dread
Swollen eyes, constant weeping
Not through sadness
Frustrated irate hate
Good girls always behave
I be a woman now
So don’t obey
No longer imprisoned worthless slave.